Breastfeeding struggle continues

LO is currently 3 months old. Yes, I have established some sort of pattern and I understand her so much better now than when she was a newborn. My husband asked me if taking care of her is now a lot easier – I said yes, in the sense that I now understand her.

She grew up quickly. One day, I looked at her and saw that she was no longer the baby I gave birth to: she was much longer, nearly proportional, gained so much weight, has fat stored in cute areas. She has also stopped using the 5 reflex words that accompanies newborn cries. Her eyesight and hearing are fully functional (and actually scares her). And now, she has started to understand that mommy is separate from her.

All those time I thought it would get better. I’m not saying it didnt; it’s just that new problems arose that I dont have the answers to. Like that scary face with the shrieking cry; the pedia says it’s colic and I need to burp her. Well, I think I know her well enough to know if she needs to. And it’s not like I havent tried. Also, isnt colic supposed to disappear at 3 mos? It started when she turned 3 mos. Also, we’ve been doing so well with placing her at the crib, but it turned out to be so troublesome now. I actually feel like I deserve an award whenever I manage to bring her there and make her stay until the morning. Naps? Dont even ask.

And the one thing I thought would get better was breastfeeding. Yes, I had problems at the onset, wherein I had to upfeed, but it was quickly resolved. I of course prefer direct feeding over bottle so I always make her latch. Plus, I can express the most during the wee hours of the morning and I simply cant give up that rest. Why? Because being a mom is tiring, that’s why. And now, when I pump, I only get a few drops. Cant even cover the base of the bottle.

I felt so terrible the first time that happened. I was out of my wits. I started blaming myself again, like a mother with postpartum depression would. What did I do? Or didnt do? For one, I stopped pumping regularly. One morning I just noticed my breasts werent engorged anymore (which I thought was a good thing). Trying to think positively, I think my body has figured out my baby’s feeding schedule. She gained a lot of weight so the lack of supply is out of the picture. Then I went back to blaming myself: I wasnt properly nourished and hydrated. Me and my poor eating habits all over again.

And we’re not talking about bottlefeeding yet. It’s a war everytime I try. And we have already established this before – she just decided she’d rather wait for the real thing and put up a fight when someone gives her the alternative.

Tonight, we’re going to an event and I dont know what to do. She is tired because we went out for a couple of days straight; in fact, she has already done the shrieking cry yesterday. She needs to rest today, but no, we took her to church this morning. Plus, it will be a big venue with programs. The lights and sounds, plus the number of faces that would be greeting her spell disaster. Not to mention my stash I tried collecting within the week is only a staggering 2 ounces. I have fought with my husband to bring her, because feeding her is more important for me; we can take care of the crying. But it has been emphasized again that bringing of children is strictly prohibited.

All morning I’ve been trying to come up with a solution.

  1. We’ll talk to my husband’s friend to let us know if they were able to successfully bring their baby in. If they do, we’ll proceed.
  2. Buy breastmilk from the human milk bank. Leave LO to the in-laws and pray that she wont be stressed as hell. Text us updates if she does the scared face-shrieking cry again – we’ll be checking our phones every 30 minutes. We’ll immediately come home as soon as she does. We only stay at the event a maximum of 4 hours, traveling time included.

What a bad timing to have this event. But I guess it helped us grope for options, and for me to rethink about my eating and drinking habits. My heart is aching; because I cant provide for her when I’m away, because I’m going to leave her right when she wants to cling with mommy the most, and simply because I’m going to be away from her. I’m praying to God this works out well. I promise I’m going to take of myself really well from now on. You know the instructions they demonstrate on a commercial flight? Put on your mask first before anyone else’s. Because there is no way I can take care of my child (and my husband) if I’m not okay. Now literally crying.


UPDATE: Dec 20, 2017, 2:55PM

We were able to leave her with the in-laws, but we asked them go to our place instead. I wasnt able to buy breastmilk because it was a Sunday (one was closed), and the other needed a prescription, clinical abstract and storage bag/cup. My husband bought me malunggay supplements and malunggay tea, which I took like crazy that morning. I left 2 bottles, 4oz bottles full to the rim.

We arrived 30 minutes late to the event, missed most of the program, and did not bother to visit the opening of thr garden afterwards. She only had a little of one bottle; the other untouched. My husband had faith it would work out because we did our best to follow instructions.

I was able to pump a lot during that week, but faltered again the following week because I havent been taking the supplements religiously. And did I mention I have bad eating habits? (In fact, I have a very bad case of gastritis because of that). Trying to re-establish again. Breastfeeding is hard work; it’s not enough that I was able to build a supply and latch successfully; it is a continuous process.

For reference, here are the two breastmilk banks in Quezon City that we went to:

Philippine Children’s Medical Center

Quezon Ave. cor Agham Road, Quezon City

(Open only during weekdays)

Quezon City General Hospital

Seminary Road, Quezon City

I read there are also breastmilk banks in Fabella, St. Luke’s Global and Medical City but we didnt go that far, so no info there from me.


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I am constantly lost. I always end up in places I never intended to be, which turns out to be a good thing because I discover something new about me.

One thought on “Breastfeeding struggle continues”

  1. Glad you are going to focus on caring for yourself more. Try feeding your baby from a spoon or with the bottom of a straw after picking milk up in it. My baby refused nipple bottles and I spoonfed my pumped milk for a while


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